Saturday 27 September 2014

Early days

I moved to a new country on Wednesday. It is now Saturday, and I have spent the last two days cleaning my house, stocking up my cupboards at Costco, befriending the kitten (including believing I had lost the kitten out of a window, crying in the garden thinking I would be dumped for being a negligent girlfriend, finding said kitten inside the house after all - hiding in the recliner), and attempting to get my head around the gargantuan to-do list. It's early days in the New Life.

I have also succeeded in eating badly, sleeping badly, overreacting, panicking, and my personal favourite: sitting in a stupor.

Cowboy is hiding from me this morning, while I scowl at the computer. Who knew it would be so difficult to find affordable, relatively nice furniture in an actual shop where I could go in and just get the furniture? I didn't realise how important it would be to me to have furniture. I've been living out of a suitcase for weeks now. It was fine while I was waiting to move, but now I'm here, I want to plunge some roots down and feel like I have a home.

It's becoming an ordeal. If I could hide from myself, I would.

On the flip side, things that I thought would be horrible, terrible, insurmountable issues as part of the move have turned out to be nothings, and the relief is overwhelming.

Yesterday I played with the horses in the rain, and began to see how good life is going to be. If I could only get some furniture...

Tuesday 23 September 2014

I don't like that - Sam Pepper's "prank"

Today, I came across a post on Jezebel which discussed the recent "prank" which Youtube star (and surely "star" is a loose term here) Sam Pepper uploaded. The response was largely one of outrage, quite rightly. The other horrifying response was that of aggression towards those who were offended by the video.

I haven't watched the video - I don't want to give the idiot responsible any more views that he might take as justification for his actions. I also don't particularly want to watch women being touched in a sexual way by some predator in the name of entertainment. There's another category of videos on the internet where that happens too, and those are illegal. They're not pranks. Neither is this.

When I read the articles that discussed the video, my initial reaction was a powerful desire to punch the perpetrator in the face. I wanted to be violent right back at him. I imagined how I could kick him, yell at him, make him uncomfortable and frightened and violated. See how he likes it.

It's not the answer. Another viral video that I watched in recent months was the one where two men experience simulated childbirth pain. One of the men was so shocked at how bad childbirth might be, he said he wasn't sure he wanted his wife to go through it. That was a consensual experiment, the participants were fully aware of what they were signing up to and could stop at any time.

But for men to understand how it feels to be groped, assaulted, restrained, coerced, forced, humiliated, degraded, and all of the other things that women have been put through, there can be no informed consent. They couldn't be allowed to stop the experiment when they got uncomfortable. People don't get the chance to opt out when they're sexually assaulted. How do we explain that to those who don't seem to see what the problem is? He even posted the reverse scenario as part of the "prank" -  a woman sexually harassing and assaulting men on film, for entertainment - that doesn't make anything better. He says it's OK for women to be violent and predatory towards men, so it's OK for men to be the same? That perpetuates the problem.

Still, attempting to talk about the issue like grown-ups and educate people about how this kind of behaviour is not OK very often seems to produce accusations that women have no sense of humour, that it's just a bit of fun, that women have misunderstood what has happened and are ruining it for everybody else. How frustrating that the accusers have completely missed the point. It's enough to make all of womankind want to smack their heads against a brick wall. It would be more productive.

I am buoyed by the response from other Youtubers, who have openly condemned Pepper's video and made it very clear that he will not be welcomed back to the community. Many of them are kind, conscientious, respectful men. I know there are a great number of these men out there in the world, and it is a good start that men are beginning to speak up for women too. Wouldn't it be fantastic if women could fix all of the problems they face in the world all by themselves? The reality is that women's problems aren't women's problems. They are problems for everybody. It shouldn't be up to women to "fix" sexism or rape or domestic violence. These things don't just happen to women.

What can I do? I can put my one voice in with all of the other voices and speak out for what I believe in. I can do everything in my power to raise children who believe in equality and respect, and who understand social boundaries. I can choose not to watch Sam Pepper's video. I can push for an end to this vicious culture that says women should put up and shut up. As one of his victims put it: I don't like that.

Sunday 21 September 2014

Headache

I have a headache. It might be because I've neglected to wear my glasses for the last few weeks, but have simultaneously upped my computer usage while I try to negotiate the Big Move. Might be because I've had a bit too much sugar and caffeine today.

Might be fatigue, might be muscle spasm, might be a virus.

Might be my poor brain trying to understand whether or not my UK iPhone will work in the USA, and if so, how do I get a good deal on a mobile contract? I pay £6 per month, and so far the cheapest option I've found over there for something remotely comparable is over $40 per month. I'm not even certain that my UK phone (unlocked, bought from the Apple shop, and destined to be used until it dies) will be recognised by the US networks, which seem to have a will of their own.

Might be my brain trying to figure out how to pay the bills. Might be the fierce desperation that I have to suddenly and inexplicably win the lottery, so that I can suddenly and inexplicably buy a homestead of my own. The nesting instinct is powerful these days.

Might be the sadness that is starting to set in, as I begin to understand that I am moving far away from my closest friends, from my close-knit family, and from everything that is familiar to me.

Might be the many hours spent at the sewing machine today, making bunting.

I think I've lost my mind...

Monday 15 September 2014

Last minute

It is rapidly becoming the last minute. I am down to last minute meetings, last minute socialising, last minute packing, last minute shopping, last minute panicking, etc etc.

Today has mostly been about last minute hair dye, as I realised it must be almost a year since my mother slapped henna (I use Caca Rouge from Lush, and have done so for over ten years) all over my head and I propped myself up for several hours while the mud did its miracle thing on my hair.

With what feels like several tonnes of goop and clingfilm on my head at the moment, my neck is rather sore. That may have something to do with the killer upper body workout that Mark the Magician made me do this morning. His trainers matched the walls of the gym today. I was rather impressed, but I don't think it was intentional.

"Rather than mess about with more reps," he said, as I sipped water in a recovery break between push presses, "how about we just build up this weight to about that of a saddle?" This man has paid close attention to my goals, and I love him for it.

If I can now push 60lbs over my head three times, without dying immediately, hopefully I can avoid the shame of flinging Cowboy's saddle, forcefully and enthusiastically, into the side of my horse instead of over her back.

I've also ended up doing some last minute bonding with this little monster, who has spent the last nine months completely ignoring me.

She has finally realised that I will scratch her ears, rub her belly and bump heads with her at her every whim.

I'll even feed her. I'm that kind of cat person.

Marmite
Marmite

I think she might be a little sad when I leave, if she even notices, of course.

MarmiteI'm not really going to miss her needle sharp claws being dug (with love) into my legs, arms, neck, feet, fingers, etc.

She can be a little over zealous with her affection.

She also likes to dribble on me when she's really enjoying the bonding session. Then she likes to shake her head and spray the dribble all over me, and whatever it is I've been doing whilst petting her. Thanks, Marmite...

You love her or you hate her. Her name really is appropriate.

Friday 5 September 2014

The Release

Holy Nancy Spumoni Snow Boots... (spot that reference)

It's often said that you never know how much pressure you can handle until you're under pressure. I'd actually go a step further - you never know how much pressure you've been under until that pressure lifts.

Yesterday was a big day. On the face of it, the pivotal moment was a little over an hour spent at the US Embassy in London, and most of that was sitting and waiting. It wasn't exactly strenuous or difficult.

The relief, and the release, that came with that magical little word, "approved," was like a bulldozer. I feel totally drained. I expected to feel exhilarated, thrilled, excited, uplifted, enthused.

All I want to do is sleep. My muscles ache, my joints are sore, and this is not the usual post-gym fatigue. As the tide of adrenaline washes away, I am aware of just how much tension I was holding. It's a wonder I've been getting anything done at all.

I am taking a couple of days to sit with this new development in life. Moving to another country, another name, another way of life is a lot to get my head around. My decision to go ahead with this is being met with mixed emotions from different people. I'm sure there are doubters, but I'm trusting my gut on this one.

Now I think I'm going to go back to bed.

Tuesday 2 September 2014

Waiting

September already?! I need a sit down, the year is going by so fast.

This isn't really a bad thing, given that I needed time to pass quickly so that I could get back to my real life as quickly as possible, and get out of this sticky no man's land of waiting.

Less than 48 hours of waiting now. The official verdict will be in. Getting my visa has been a long and tiresome process, although judging by the forums on Visa Journey, our application has been relatively smooth, swift, and uncomplicated. I feel rather lucky about that.

Current projects include making bunting at the kitchen table for next year's celebrations. It's oddly soothing.

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